


Lunar Contemplation

by KyoukaiKanata



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Caring Sebastian, Childhood Memories, Cuddling & Snuggling, Epic Friendship, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Character Death, Seb Being A Total Dad, Self-Reflection, support network
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25672144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KyoukaiKanata/pseuds/KyoukaiKanata
Summary: It's that time of year again and together, two friends reflect on the past, remember the present and look to the future.But this time they are no longer alone. With the help of Sebastian, their partners find them to provide the love and support they both need.
Relationships: Alexander Albon/Charles Leclerc/Lando Norris, Pierre Gasly/Max Verstappen
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	Lunar Contemplation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TifosaAtHeart (F1_Fanatic)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/F1_Fanatic/gifts).



> This is the pure result of listening to one of my favourite songs of all time, 'Eternal's - Someday' on Jules anniversary. It's taken a couple of weeks as I wanted to get this right. 
> 
> No disrespect to the memory of Jules or Anthoine is meant in any of this. 
> 
> For TifosaAtHeart(F1_Fanatic). 
> 
> I recommend reading their fics if you haven't already. I hope you like this Tifosa 🙂 You're right in saying Jules/Anthoine should be remembered, and their lives honoured in the way they deserve, and fic (within reason) is one way we can do that. Even if they are but characters on a page who share a name in common alone. 
> 
> **I appreciate everyone has different opinions on this (hence out of respect I have not posted this until now), but as always, if you don't like reading fics that mention them, I recommend you don't read this. ******
> 
> ****To those that do, the writing style is slightly different as it worked best this way, but I hope you like this 💙💙** **

It is the silence that at first is inevitable when they eventually get a chance to meet alone that night. When the duties of the day are finally done and Pierre is at last able to slip into to Charles' mobile unit and just pull his best friend into his arms.

In their ritual that feels as old as time, but still as raw as yesterday. It is never easy, of course it was never going to be easy, how could it ever be. But it is when the quiet of the night sets in that he notices it the most.

When the day is done and Charles can no longer hide behind scrambled words and a laughing smile. When, today especially, he had tried to put on a show for his partners of only the last six months. For Alex and Lando who have never seen the full extent to which the demons lurk in Charles' head at this time of year. And who Charles has tried so hard not to let them see. Not through a lack of love or trust, but for the continued certainty of not wishing to burden them with the effects of the demons of the past they cannot change.

But he can't hide from them all, and when he had slipped out the room with the excuse of getting a drink and had left Alex and Lando arguing over COD with Max, George and Nicky, Pierre notices. He has known him long enough to notice. How could he not.

He notices when the shadows darken over Charles eyes and the inevitable slight sinking of his shoulders occurs. He notices when pained reality turns into sombre certainty. When reality reminds him once more, as if any of them could ever forget, of just what this day is. What it will always be.

The prolonged quiet between them to those who did not know, would almost seem as startling as the wind that ruffles their hair and clothes as Pierre leaves Charles on the sofa and stands up to open the shipping container door for some fresh air.

They can't leave tonight. They can't walk and reflect in lunar contemplation as they normally do every year due to the restrictions. They cannot move freely among the darkness of the night and the glitter of the stars that shine down from above. Their stars in the sky.

But in watching the world go by they can start to recenter. It is a moment of peace. A moment of contemplation. A moment of quiet reflection. Eternal and tangible all in one and he feels Charles lean more and more against him as the night goes on. Cuddling uncharacteristically quietly into his side as Pierre throws his arm over his shoulder and runs his hand rhythmically through Charles' hair in soothing regularity. He cannot take the pain away. There is nothing he can say to take the pain away. But he can do what he has always done.

Provide the emotional pillar to Charles. Be his strength when the memories of Jules grow too fresh like now. In the same way he knows, with sorrow lingering in his own heart, Charles will do the same in return when Anthoine's date comes around.

Time passes. The drinks flow, but no words are spoken. They both know they shouldn't be doing this. Drinking the night before a Saturday of free practise and qualifying. But they are not stupid, they are too world weary and wise to be stupid, and the bottle of red 'Pierre Zero Prestige' that sits between their glasses is non-alcoholic. It has always only seemed fitting after all, to raise a glass in honour to Jules on this night. Pierre's friend and mentor. Charles' 2nd older brother and godfather all in one.

And, tucking himself even deeper into Pierre's side, Charles is truly grateful to have such a friend who understands this. Who can understand the sheer level of ache that still exists every time he thinks of their loss. Of Jules. It means at least he is not alone. He could never be alone on a night like this. He knows to well, Pierre would never let him.

After all, it is both strange and saddening how much time has passed. It’s barely felt like five minutes let alone five years and a 1001 things have happened since then. Some good, some bad, some simply ugly but they have happened. For five years seems like a partial eternity.

And of all the dreams over the years. Of all the things he has achieved. There is one thing he will never be able to do. For the one he wishes to achieve the most is the one he knows he can’t. After all you cannot bring back the dead. No matter how much you may want to and it's that, that hurts the most.

You would think after so long, and the loss of multiple people he has loved, he should be over this. Over the sheer torment he feels every time this particular date rolls around. Every time Suzuka rolls around. But Pierre is right when he said once this is a pain that will never fully go away. A pain that will never truly have an eclipse.

After all, how can it, when the sheer thing that took him from them, is the very legacy they are trying to follow. It is irony, in the same way it is majesty that the only thing that has really changed from their ritual in the last few years, are the colour of the team jackets they wear and the distribution of items in a room.

It would all seem so trivial, so menial if it were not why they do this in the first place. Time has passed, friends, teams and partners have come and gone, but this moment of remembrance is theirs. And until now, was always theirs alone.

Sighing heavily, watching as Pierre swirls the remaining wine around the glass in a habit, (when lost in thought), that was as old as time itself, Charles shifts and snuggles deeper into his side, resting his forehead against Pierre's shoulder and just taking in the surety that comes from having his best friend at his side. He loves his partners, he loves Alex and Lando more than he can ever truly explain, but he needs his anchor tonight, and in this his anchor has always been Pierre.

"Sharl?" Pierre's head turns at the movement, blue orbs meeting his own.

Charles opens his mouth to answer, but looking into those all knowing eyes is his final downfall. The pure sadness and depth of sorrow in Pierre's eyes, he knows is matching in his own, and it's that, that finally bursts the dam of emotion welling inside him. The fact that Pierre knows to say nothing, just puts his glass down, turns and holds his other arm open and let's Charles fall into them. Let the quiet sobs begin to escape from his throat and just holds him in reassuring certainty is just enough.

It cannot take away the past, the images, the memories, that always fly through his head in a never ending crescendo on this day. The images of Jules crouched in front of him, with a proud smile on his face after his first karting win.

The images of Jules, Lorenzo, Norman, all together. Racing with passion and the bond of friendship in their hearts.

The elation of wins, the comforting embraces after losses, the advice of one generation passing onto another, the sheer length of the journey they went on together. All the adventures they had.

The warm smile, the caring brown eyes, the exuberance of his laughter, his strong sense of loyalty and the sheer foundation of the trust that they all shared between them. Nothing can change that. Nothing can take those memories from them.

But the fact that they are now just memories, and not even memories that they can reflect on together, is painful. And Charles knows, even in his tears, that Pierre has always understood that. Perhaps even more so now after their last loss.

"I've got you Sharl."

The quiet murmur from Pierre is enough to keep the tears coming. Unable to stop them, Charles buries his head as close as possible into his shoulder and just takes in the warm of his arms around him. The shaky sigh against his shoulder, the surety of the heartbeat he can feel against his skin.

So lost to the power of his grief, to the memories that seem to tumble in a never ending film through his mind, that it's only when he feels another hand stroking through his hair, sees a hand resting reassuringly on Pierre's shoulder and hears the quiet voice of Seb in his ear that he can bring himself to pull away and look up into the wise blue orbs of his elder team mate.

He will miss Seb, it probably says enough about him that there is no sympathy in his eyes. He knows that won't help here. But there is instead gentle understanding and fatherly reassurance that has always seemed to manifest around him.

Perhaps from the years of having his own children. But it is that presence that helps now. Helps as his sobs turn into sniffles, still curled in Pierre's embrace and he can finally register what he is saying.

"They're looking for you both. It won't be long until they get here."

"Where are they?" Pierre asks, Charles pulling back out of his arms and wiping a hand across his eyes.

"At the AlphaTauri units the last time I saw them."

And Charles can't stop the whimper that escapes him between them. Both Pierre and Seb turning to look at him in understanding, "I don't want them to see me like this."

"They love you Sharl," Pierre says softly, running a hand through his own hair as he sits up, "Maybe they should know."

"I think you could have the same argument about you and Max don't forget Pierre," Seb chides gently.

Pierre blushes slightly at the comment. A half shrug forming as he moves to stand. And Charles can't help his reaction. He cannot stop his hand from clutching at Pierre's shoulder, from drawing his best friend's eyes to his own. The need for him to understand why almost overwhelming.

But this is Pierre and he knows him better than anyone, even better than he knows himself sometimes, and Charles for once can't find the fire in him to argue when he turns to Seb and murmurs, "Can you talk to them Seb. Please, I'm sorry to ask but I-" Pierre sighs deeply, eyes pained as he looks back up at his mentor, "I don't know where to start and I don't want to leave him."

"Leave it with me."

If Seb was a truly malicious man he could use this against him, but at his core he (like Pierre) is a good man. And it's time like this when it shows the most.

When he pulls Pierre into a brief hug, a hand gripping his shoulder before turning to Charles. Dropping down next to him on the sofa and pulling him into his arms into a strong hug, murmuring the words in Charles ear that mean more than he can ever explain, "He would be proud of you, never forget that. Don't forget how far you have come."

There is nothing he can say, but the weak smile that escapes his lips he knows is enough for Seb, and the fatherly kiss on his forehead as he nods and gets up to leave means more than he could ever truly explain.

"I'll talk to them, but they'll probably come here. I'm not sure I can hold back the Twitch squad even if I tried."

"Twitch squad?" Pierre asks confusion evident in his tone.

"It's our nickname for you all." Seb chuckles quietly, "Leave it with me."

Turning and walking out the door, he pulls it closed behind him as Charles tugs Pierre back down and curls into his shoulder again. He understands entirely why they had opened it up and why they needed the time together to be alone, but they both have partners now. Two in Charles' case. Partners who he knows have been trying to locate them. And, despite what Charles says, they need them. They both need them. It isn't optional it's just inevitable.

Luckily he is right when he says they are not far behind, and he has barely rounded the corner before almost crashing straight into Lando. A startled yelp escaping them both at the collision.

"Lando, are you alright?"

"You okay Seb?"

Come the joint calls from the Red Bull duo in front of him as Max puts a hand out to steady him and Alex grabs the back of Lando's shirt to stop him crashing to the floor when Seb automatically steps back.

"I'm fine," Seb smiles shaking his head fondly, "Actually good timing, I was looking for you three."

"Us? Why, what's up?" A quizzical frown forms over Lando's face, "Is it important we're trying to find Charles. And Pierre for that matter," he adds, seeing the sharp glance from Max out of the corner of his eye.

"That's why I'm trying to find you."

"Are they okay?" Max asks instantaneously, before grumbling, "What? I do care you know," when Alex and Lando glance his way.

And as much as Seb wants to say they are fine. That won't help here. It won't help any of them, both in the truth of the state of Charles and to a lesser extent Pierre, but also in terms of getting these three to understand just what they will find when he takes them to their partners.

Lando, Alex and Max aren't stupid, of course they aren't, but none of them started dating Charles and Pierre respectively until February testing 2020 and Brazil 2019. They have never seen their partners during the darkness that this time of year always rolls around.

It is one of the reasons he knows Charles and Pierre quietly left them all earlier. That need to be together in this moment that connects them so strongly. In the mix of pain and grief he knows only they can understand in each other. It is what makes Charles and Pierre such good best friends, but also why they need partners outside of that.

Partners like the three men in front of him that he has never been more proud off. Lewis said once that these boys would outshine them, and secretly he can only agree. But for now they still need the guidance of the past to lead them to the future. Especially in something like this.

"Come with me," jerking his head Seb indicates them to follow them.

"No offence Seb, but what's going on?" Alex asks, his eyes clearly worried as he slips his arm around Lando's shoulders, the smaller man practically vibrating with nervous energy.

"Relax, I'll take you too them but you all need to understand that they are in a bad place today. Charles especially. Jules death always hits them hard every year, and it's not that they don't want you there, it's, in the words of Pierre, that they don't know how to begin to explain what they are feeling. Where to even start."

"They don't need to," Lando steps forward as Seb stops back outside Charles door, "It doesn't matter what we'll find. We'll be there for them."

"I know you all will," Seb says quietly, his eyes understandingly gentle, "Which is why I'm not hiding this tonight."

Opening the door, he lets it swing wide, already knowing what lies behind, even before he hears the unconscious pained whimper from Lando, and the sharp intakes of shock from Alex and Max. There is nothing he can say here. No walls to hide them behind now. Sometimes brutal honesty is the truest form of aid that can be given. For explanations with words alone will not help here.

And when he hears movement from behind him, and here's the world weary sigh that escapes from Pierre, he knows that no matter what they think now, this is the right decision. Their raw vulnerability may be on display, but they will get through this.

Stepping aside, he glances back and meets Pierre's saddened gaze looking up over Charles shoulder. Charles still tucked tight where he left them. His eyes teary once again.

Pierre finally seems to read the message in his own eyes as they lock and nods once, and the quiet slightly shaky murmur of, "Thanks Seb," seems to be enough to spur the others into action. Alex, Max and Lando all slipping past Seb into the room and making a beeline for their respective partners.

As Lando and Alex ease Charles up out of Pierre's arms and pull him into their own, another sob escapes Charles and Seb can't help but feel sympathy as he buries his head in Lando's shoulder. Alex's arms slipping around his waist from behind and beginning to murmur soothing words in his ear.

Pierre too is not alone. Max already pulling the Frenchman into his arms. Holding him tight and running a hand up and down his back quietly. Letting Pierre take the strength he needs from him.

And it is Max's eyes that spur him to leave, mouthing 'Thank you' at him. He knows they will be okay, and it is enough. Closing the door once again, he heads off into the night. They all have each other, and that is what they need right now.

*******************************

Max watches the door close and sighs quietly pressing a gentle kiss to the side of Pierre's head, "Come here," he whispers quietly, gently pulling Pierre with him to lie back down on the sofa and letting the Frenchman curl up on his chest.

"Do you want to talk?" Max asks, brushing a few strands of hair of his face, and cupping the underside of Pierre's jaw. His thumb stroking gently over the skin.

"There's not really much to say," Pierre says quietly, his worried gaze glancing back over his shoulder at the other side of the room to where Charles was snuggled in between Alex and Lando on the small bed. Charles curled into Alex's arms as Lando spoons him from behind, soft sniffles escaping from his throat, "I didn't want you guys to see me like this."

"Don't even go there Charles, if you think we are leaving you, you've got another thing coming. We've got you now, we're not letting you go," Alex's voice is firm but loving. Tilting Charles head up slightly at the sniffled, "Albono," from Charles, and leaning forward to kiss him gently. Pulling apart, as Lando shifts higher up Charles' back, and turns his head to kiss him as well murmuring, "We love you Charles," against his lips.

Quiet descends for a moment as with soft touches and gentle kisses Charles' sobs and sniffles finally ease, and he rests in the warm security of their arms. He only has to look up to see the love and understanding in the eyes of both Alex and Lando.

And he can feel that there is something different about this. With them being here with him now. Not in a bad way, but in a reassuring one. In their arms he always feels he can conquer anything and it helps now, when the darkness of the past threatens to overwhelm him. But as he rests in the warm of their embrace, he knows he wasn't alone originally, and this is a day he was never facing alone.

"Pierre?" Glancing up from their joint hold, Charles looks around for his best friend and meets the oceanic blue gaze from across the room. Like him tucked into his partners embrace, and whilst he and Max cannot usually stand each other (much to Pierre's chagrin) there is nothing but warmth and respect in Max's orbs tonight and it helps.

Lando's always cold nose pressing into the side of his neck and Alex's tanned arms around his waist, along with the gaze of his best friend is enough for him to begin to process his thoughts again. He is not alone, they will never let him be alone.

It doesn't stop the ache though and he knows it never fully will. But they know him, and they are with him. With them both, and for now it is enough.

Turning and burying his head into Lando's shoulder instead, feeling Alex's long limbs draping securely over both of them, he can feel the pull of rest drawing him down. The weight of today, the weight of the multitude of emotions crashing down on him and he feels like he has run a marathon. Like a tidal wave has reached it's peak and is now cresting.

The pure ache he feels for his mentor, for his godfather, for this very day, cannot just depart because they are now with him. It is there, the same way it has always been there since fate played it's cruel twist on them all. For all time has passed, none who are living can truly take the place of those who he has loved and lost.

But with them he can remember. And locking his eyes on Pierre's, seeing the slight nod and contented warmth in his eyes as he shifts around to lean back against Max's chest, feeling Alex drape a blanket over his and Lando's shoulders and hold them close, he knows he can begin.

"Will you tell us about him?" Lando's voice breaks the silence.

"What do you want to know?"

"What was he like?"

And as he begins to talk, the pain doesn't lessen, but the memories make him, make them all smile. Like the time Jules chased Lorenzo around with an octopus when they were just kids, to the cheering from the side of tracks during race weekends, the lazy Sunday's spent in Monaco, to the triple family holidays which could only ever have ended in chaos when you put all the Leclerc, Bianchi and Gasly brothers together.

Pierre sniggering into Max's shoulder at the holiday memories is enough to set Charles of as well. Set them all off, and it helps. The pain still burns, but not just in agony anymore, it is the pain of remembrance. But with such a pain comes the certainty of another form. Love. And Charles knows that it is love that will get them him through tonight, and onto tomorrow.

For this kind of love is pain in loss, but will always be rewarding in memory. And the love of the future, is enough to remember that as long as they talk about those they love, about those they have physically lost, they will remain inside them all. They will live on. Both inside the memories of those who knew them, and in the image they leave in those they did not.

It is enough for now. It is enough for both of them as the night rolls on in shared memories, tears and laughter. Until dawn arises again and Charles knows that day is behind them again for another year.

A warm nose presses into the back of his neck as he and Pierre eventually fall silent in their memories, the quiet sounds of dawn in the paddock the sole noise and a stark contrast from the continuous conversation of the last few hours. He feels Alex place a feather-light kiss to his skin and tilting his head back to met his lips in a soft kiss, he can't help but sigh as Alex pulls back and kisses his forehead, just as Lando kisses the side of his neck.

Tilting his head back down he kisses Lando too, nothing but love pooling in his eyes as the kiss breaks. The comforting warmth between them a soothing balm on his tired conscience. Lando yawns quietly and he pulls him tighter against him as Alex's long leg slids over his and he curls around behind both of them. Charles' eyes falls closed as he takes in the stillness around them, and the pull of sleep finally grows strong.

The sudden loud snore followed by a snort of laughter, makes all three of them jump, and look over to Max and Pierre. Lando immediately bursting into giggles at the sight of Max with his head half of the back of the sofa snoring, and Pierre trying desperately to stop chuckling in his arms.

"Aww I didn't think we'd worn him out that much," Charles can't help the teasing comment that falls from his lips.

Pierre laughs, "Yeah I think we've tired him out."

"You two going to be okay over there?"

"We'll be fine Sharl," Pierre smiles softly, "I'll just move a bit."

Shuffling slightly, Pierre eases himself out of Max's arms, stretching his back out with a low groan. Behind him Max stirs at the moment, and all three of them have to bit their lips to not laugh at the purely adorable half-asleep grumpy expression that appears over his face as he registers the lack of the Frenchman in his arms and Charles fully expects him to just grab Pierre and pull him back into his arms.

Lando's quiet, "It won't be what you think," makes him pause and he is right.

Pierre leans forward stretching his back further with a slight grimace, rubbing the base of his spine, and Charles can only think of his best friend's own accident, a few years ago, that had left him with a long scar down the bottom half of his back.

But before he can move, to go and support Pierre the way he always has always supported him this time every year, Max gets there first. Beginning to lightly massage the base of Pierre's spine, Pierre's head falling back as low moan of pleasure escapes.

"Helping baby?," Max murmurs, pushing the hem of his t-shirt slightly and placing a soft kiss to the scar line. Pierre's nod is enough, and Max loops his other arm around his waist, guiding him to sit back down against him again as his fingers continue to ease out the soreness.

Across the room the sight makes Charles grin and as they settle back into the bed, he can feel the smiles of Alex and Lando against each side of his neck as both of them try not to react at the sweet sight.

Max knows what he is doing and it doesn't take long before Pierre falls asleep in Max's lap. Exhaustion finally hitting him.

Charles can feel his own eyes begin to close at the sight. The knowledge his anchor, his shield, his best friend is content enough for sleep to take hold, soothes his soul.

And as Max has a brief conversation with Lando while stroking Pierre's hair, Charles gives in to the inevitable and snuggles deeper, beginning to drift off to sleep. Painful remembrance giving rise to contented reality.

And he knows with them it is enough. They will always be enough. For the past will be remembered but the future is yet to be written. And it is the knowledge of the future, that finally eases his soul in reality. For daylight has broken and Jules' legacy still remains.

**Author's Note:**

> As always kudos and comments are greatly appreciated 💙💙
> 
> Feel free to come and talk to me on tumblr at kyoukai-kanata (http://kyoukai-kanata.tumblr.com)


End file.
